


What We Find

by agrajag



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-24
Updated: 2013-01-24
Packaged: 2017-11-26 18:59:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/653411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agrajag/pseuds/agrajag
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Merlin's goodbye to Gwaine in The Diamond of Day Part One.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What We Find

It was the first time Merlin needed someone to save his life. It was the first time he ever had to fear for his own life. He feared for Gaius and Gwen and Arthur and even Gwaine, who was slaying the bandit as if it were the most natural act, but Merlin was always the one who protected the others.

He was embarrassed as he pushed himself up and quickly put as much distance between himself and Gwaine as he was comfortable with. It was killing him to have to admit he needed Gwaine there. If it was any other task, if he had his powers, he would have chosen Gwaine to accompany him out of all the knights, but in this moment he felt like a suffocating burden. Yet Merlin knew that Gwaine must feel the same way about him.

It had been several years since Merlin had last seen the cave, but there was no mistaking it when they arrived. It pained Merlin to dismiss Gwaine so flippantly, but he could not risk Gwaine rushing in if there was trouble and witnessing anything that would reveal him for what he was. Deep down Merlin knew Gwaine would understand and never tell anyone that Merlin was a sorcerer, but it had been some time since they had been close. For three years their relationship had been the best thing in Merlin's life, but once Mordred had joined the round table, Merlin had neglected that connection. He had not been surprised when Gwaine turned to that woman he had saved for the intimacy Merlin once had provided. What they had was no more, Merlin regrettably admitted to himself, so he was to do this alone.

He was shocked when Gwaine wouldn't leave without a second thought.

"Once I have what I'm looking for I'll be perfectly safe," he told Gwaine. "I promise you."

Merlin couldn't bring himself to turn around because he knew Gwaine would not leave without a fight now.

"What are you looking for?"

It wasn't accusatory. Merlin could hear the concern in his voice.

"I can't tell you that Gwaine. You just have to trust me." Merlin wished that he could be strong, but he felt the tears come before he could stop them. Even with his powers he was never strong in this way, but the last thing he wanted was to show Gwaine how truly weak he was. "You should get back to Arthur."

Merlin couldn't discern the look on Gwaine's face. He had the beginnings of a smile gracing his lips while his eyes looked sad. He was silent for a minute as he played with the hilt of his sword. Merlin knew better than to push him. Gwaine would take his time either way before he spoke. He would speak without thinking when he was out drinking with the knights or shamelessly flirting with people in the villages, but when it was important - when it was Merlin - he meticulously thought things through.

"Look after yourself Merlin," he said eventually and handed Merlin his sword. "You know to use the sharp end, right?"

Merlin couldn't help himself and laughed. It was good to know despite everything that happened that Gwaine was still the man Merlin had known and, although he never said it, loved.

"I hope you find what you're looking for," Gwaine added.

Merlin could see the tears forming in Gwaine's eyes and he knew there was no time for it, but he couldn't let him leave now.

"All I ever really needed was you until my... until what I've come for was taken away from me," he whispered.

"Oh good. I was beginning to think you were going to let me go without a proper goodbye." That sly smile of his was back, but Merlin knew how Gwaine would often hide behind that act.

"I figured you didn't want me anymore."

"How could I never want you Merlin? I thought that you were done with me."

Merlin dropped the sword and wrapped his arms around Gwaine, burying his face in his hair. The chain mail was cold under his hands but quickly warmed up as he refused to pull away.

"God, I was stupid. Don't tell Arthur. He shouldn't be allowed that satisfaction." Gwaine chuckled and Merlin felt the vibration against his cheek. "I got caught up in everything that's been happening. I shouldn't have let that distract me from you because I... I, uh, don't know what I'd do without you."

"Well then, how can I not forgive you after that?" Gwaine leaned back far enough to catch Merlin's lips in a chaste kiss before letting him go completely. "Now you go retrieve what it is you need and I will expect you at the battle. How are we supposed to win without you there, after all?" Gwaine picked the sword back up and handed it off to Merlin once again. "You'll need that until then."

"You knew."

It wasn't a question and Gwaine didn't answer. He winked and turned around to leave the way they came.


End file.
